January 25

I really had an un-extraordinary day today.  Things were all pretty much normal.  We ate meals, we had school, the kids played nicely together.....all in all, pretty great.  Since my mind has been completely unoccupied by craziness today, I had a lot of extra time to ponder.  Now, I don't know where your minds wander when left to do so-but mine is all over the place.  I can be thinking about a delicious recipe one second and contemplating the probability that an asteroid will destroy us all in the next.  I also have semi-eiditic memory so I literally retain every bit of information I see, hear, or read.  Which in any given day gives me millions of things to mull over.  My recall is pretty good too-I can usually do it very quickly which is the reason that my family will not play trivia games with me.

Anyway-so my mind has wandered today.  Mainly on the subject of having more kids.  I had gestational diabetes while I was pregnant with Cebelle.  By the end I was giving myself 6 shots of insulin a day and testing my blood 5 times daily.  It was really rough.  Then after her, I experienced two miscarriages which were completely and totally heartbreaking for Jeff and I.  Even after experiencing all of that-I would love to have more kids.  There is nothing that I would love more!  We always wanted 4-6 kids.  I had hoped to lose a bunch of weight and be healthier (though the dr tells me that probably would have little impact on whether or not I would experience gestational diabetes again).  And as my friend Angela says, "Why would you want to do that?  You're just going to get fat again."  But I'm not getting any younger.   The thought of getting pregnant again literally makes me a completely nervous wreck.  And though I want another baby, I honestly don't know if I could cope with the stress.  So here I am, stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Is having another child worth risking the heartbreak, the hospital trips, the emotional stress.  Absolutely.  Unequivocally.  So I'm leaving it in God's hands.  If its meant to be, then it will happen.  And if it isn't, then I will spend the rest of my life unspeakably grateful for the two beautiful babies that I was blessed to carry and deliver.  They are turning out to be some pretty remarkable people.

Hayden asked me where you are before you go to your mommy's tummy to be born.  I didn't even have time to answer before he said, "Because I think you are with God.  Just waiting for the right mommy who will love you and carry you in her tummy and take care of you."  

We won't mention that sometime within the next five minutes I was shouting at him to quit running in the house for like the three thousandth time that day....*sigh*

But that's what its like being a mom for me.  Its moments of peace and love, crazy and loud, angry and stomping, hand on hips and sassing, hugging and crying, laughing, and joy.  It's memories that I cherish every second of.  Its always an adventure.......