So- the reason I really haven't been blogging lately is because my mind has been consumed with one single thought. I am pregnant. I had not been feeling well for a few days before we were supposed to leave to Maine with my parents, so I took a test the night before. Just because I had one in the cabinet. Really for no other reason...I honestly don't know what made me do it. I was just really, really tired and had completely lost my appetite. It was very unlike me. So I peed on a stick. Only I peed way too much on the stick. So when it dried out and said positive....I was positive that it was incorrect because I bungled the test. Just in case, I started taking vitamins and cut out caffeine and anything else that might be bad for me and I went to Maine! While in Maine, I was ill every morning and starving constantly. I was also completely exhausted. So when we got home later in the week and ran to the store to pick up some other stuff, I grabbed another test. I did not think I could be pregnant. After having Cebelle, I had two miscarriages. I had an IUD put in and after two years, it lodged in my uterus and I had to have it surgically removed. A year later, I was hospitilized for a cyst on my ovary and had to endure several visits and various testing. The doctor said my chances of becoming pregnant again were very small. I had been praying to God for the past year. I didn't want to have babies past the age of 35, but I wanted more babies. I prayed that God would make me content with the beautiful children I have and not long for more. Because I knew in my heart that my dream of having four children was quickly coming to an end. Jeff and I had talked about adopting, and it was always an option. But it can be very expensive, no matter how you go about it, and we knew in our hearts that it would just never be a reality for us. So I prayed and I thanked God for all the blessings He gives me every day and I asked for peace. Because I knew that once I turned 35, I did not want to attempt more children. With my past medical history and issues, it just didn't seem like a good idea. It wasn't safe for me or for any baby that I might carry.
So I took that second test. Believing that even if it was positive, there was nothing to be excited about. Because with my history, I fully expected to not carry any pregnancy past the sixth week. When the test was positive, I called and got into the doctor as soon as they could get me in, which wasn't until what would be my 7th week of pregnancy. I didn't ever expect to go to that appointment. I prayed and I tried to have faith that God had a plan for me, but letting go of all that worry was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I asked the ladies in my church group to pray for me. Not that everything would be well, because I didn't really believe that was in God's plan. I asked them to pray that I would have the strength and the courage to deal with whatever came. So when the day for my early ultrasound arrived, I was sick with anticipation and worry. At that point, I just wanted to know what was happening. I just wanted a plan of action. Was I having a baby? Or was I going to prepare for a miscarriage again? I knew that the ultrasound would show a heartbeat at this point if my pregnancy was viable and everything was okay. So I honestly held my breath. And got the biggest surprise of my life when she found not one, but two healthy babies with perfect baby heartbeats. They dated me at almost 7 weeks, told me that the twins were fraternal which is the best possible scenario but that it was still early and chances were good that I would lose one of the babies , and scheduled me for another ultrasound in four weeks. I prayed and every time I have been tired or sick, I have praised God because I knew that it was a sign that things were well. I just went back for that ultrasound yesterday and got to see two very active beautiful, perfect, tiny babies with heartbeats at 170 and 175. And I know in my heart that everything is going to be okay. God has given me a beautiful miracle that I never expected. He blesses me every day in ways that I could never be worthy of. I am still nervous about the health of my babies, but what mother isn't? Every time I feel doubt creeping in, I take it to God in prayer. And I ask Him for the strength and courage to trust in His plan, and to believe that I am worthy of receiving this beautiful gift. And you see, the real miracle is this: I will be 35 on April 9, 2012. I have been praying for the past few years that God would let me make peace with the fact that I wouldn't have any more babies after that date. My babies are due on April 9, 2012. God is so amazing. He knows our hearts and He has a plan for us. I think that sometimes we make our own plans and forget to ask for guidance. When we let go and let God work in our lives, wonderful things happen! That's not to say that bad things never happen to those who believe in God and serve Him. That was never promised to us. The promise is that when those bad things happen, we don't have to face them alone. We face them knowing that God will hold us and heal us and lead us in the right direction. I trust God because in all my life, though I have failed Him many times, He has never failed me.
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